Just Before You Tell Them…

you can tell me but bring your money

You want to share something that is eating you up but you will rather let it kill you from the inside out than let anybody know what you are going through. Many times, it is not them, it’s you. It is not that you don’t trust them, it is that you do not trust the feeling that follows afterwards. Relief. Guilt. Regret. All these combining together to bring bile up in your throat. You hate that these do not automatically alleviate your worries. You hate that the people you confide in might harbor judgement and not tell you because it will further hurt your feelings. You hate that they might judge you and you do not want that either. You hate that they might want to help but you do not need saving, you just want someone to listen, after which you would hate yourself for sharing.

To share or not to share?

You had chosen the former a number of times. You had taken the secrets that you take to bed every night and you had dared to tell a friend.

Relief: A problem shared is a problem half solved. At least that is what they say so you decide to test it out. Can you really feel ease when you tell someone about your challenges? Surely, if they weighed so heavily in your heart, it is because you were bearing them all on your own. So, you carefully peel off thin layers because even at that, you do not want to over share. But before you know it, you get comfortable and words begin to roll off your tongue and it becomes an outpouring. You realize you needed to get it all out because suddenly there’s a feeling that might suggest that your problem is what, half solved?! You embrace it before it flaps its wings in readiness for escape, before further thoughts snatch the little comfort you found. But you know yourself. So not long after, something in your head snaps and you allow yourself to be subjected to another feeling.

Guilt: What have you done? Not only did you make more obvious your inner reality by opening up, you had to drag someone into it. Does talking to yourself not count? Would that make you seem crazy? You are not sure whether you have saddened them with your story to the extent that they keep you in their thoughts. You think that it is wrong of you to allow your world flow into other people’s perception about you that it births different opinions and make you a different person both to them and to yourself. What is wrong with you? What if you began to relate with the person based on the new information you had given out? You can’t take that away. You shouldn’t have done that. The relief you felt is out the window. You try not to feel regret but then you find out that you had told the wrong person.

Regret: One day, in the middle of an altercation with a friend, she blurts out something you had told her in confidence. She had said it to feel better about herself as she was losing the fight. She crossed the line. Your eyes grew wild. You knew betrayal but that was by far, the worst you were dealt with. You did not care that you always avoided being the center of attention but the situation could not be helped. You could swear you saw something flash before your eyes just before your hand flew from your side, cut through the air and landed a slap across her face. What home training? You had fought her, pushed her against chairs and tables until there was a clearer area for battle. Your classmates stood and watched and cheered until a teacher came and you both were torn from each other. You both sustained bruises but the incident added salt to your own injuries. You had felt disappointed. That was when you said you were not doing again o. Why did you just open your mouth waaaa! Ah ahn! You learned a lesson that day!

You assured yourself you were not doing that again but vulnerability is a bastard.

Many times, it is easier to confide in a stranger. You don’t have to worry about trust or anything like that. Tell them and run away. Or come and tell me. Bring your money, therapy is expensive 🙄