For You, For Me

you’re still here, at least in my heart

I would write about my hiatus, whether I had reasons valid enough to disappear, whether I had any reasons at all. I would talk about these weeks where I seemed to have deserted what I always looked forward to, what my readers looked forward to. I would make an attempt at an apology, it would seem terrible and maybe half-assed but it will be from the depth of my heart or from the depth of the things that go about in my mind. It will be from the depth of something or somewhere with hopes that everyone takes it as it is and forget about my short break. Or was it long? I can’t calculate anything right now. But today…

It must’ve been something about today, something about the fragility of friendships and relationships when everything is set to go down the drain like it never happened. It must have been the feeling of loss, hitting hard. Today I feel like I’m down to my knees, surrendering to the pain that needed to be felt, the wave of grief that was evident but I somehow tried to avoid. I kept believing I needed to be hard on the outside, to act like everything was fine. But even at that, I knew you were a reason why my emotions were all over the place. One thing I knew to do to myself, was to suppress. Suppress my feelings in a bid to make them go away, to make them flow with time as if it’s the transition from day to night and from night to day, that makes it alright. All this while, I had clung to the illusion, the delusion that you were still here because it was easier believing that. That I would text you, “madam” and you will reply with something like, “what, are you missing me?”

Oh how I miss you. I pray for you every single day, that Allah showers blessings on your grave, that He makes you among the dwellers of jannah, that He forgives you of all your sins for you were such a sweet soul.

Aisha

The first time we spoke, I was the one who called out your name. I had seen you prior to this day but did not get to talk to you. I knew you from somewhere, and I knew your name. I just wasn’t sure where. My best bet was that it had to be in primary school. So when I said your name that faithful day and you stopped, I told you I knew you. We were probably very little. I asked you if you attended a certain primary school and when you said yes, I was glad you weren’t a stranger after all. We exchanged numbers and I promised to check a class photo I had somewhere and send it to you. When I did, we laughed about how we looked back then. I said you had a big head with terrible hair and you replied by saying I was unapologetically rocking kwashiorkor. I did in fact had a protruding tummy at a point during my childhood, but I promise it wasn’t kwashiorkor 😭. How I’m so glad I approached you that day, it was like we picked up from where we left off, even though I don’t remember us in any form of interaction in primary one. I left the school the following year while you left in primary four because your family relocated to minna.

Our friendship was instant. We made sure of that with the way we ‘disturbed’ each other frequently. I loved that when you think you are giving off this ‘wicked woman energy’, there’s always that kindness to your face, your words, your actions. You loved pasta, and there was something about the word because you would not say spaghetti like everyone else 😄. You stood out for me girl. You really did. I’m just going to slip it in here that I’m selective about people I call my friends and that’s probably why I have a few but you were one true true friend, love.

I remember when my ex would not let you rest because he wanted to get through to me and I will not pick up or reply his texts. I think I did you bad for letting that boy have your number 😄, you became a mediator by force, hearing my side, hearing his side, bringing information from him I didn’t care to know, convincing me to hear him out. We both almost drove you nuts that you eventually said you’re not doing again, we should kill our selves. But even then, you did not escape from us until it was over. Even after it was, you still told me whenever you ran into him or you guys talked. You were an incredible friend and as I’m writing about you in past tense my heart is breaking. The more I write, the more real it is becoming, the sooner I’m going to stop tapping on this keyboard. Grief has found an opportunity yet again, and it’s running through my system.

The last time we really spoke, it was around the time you were getting married. I remember you were always saying you wanted to get married. And I think that time, the marriage fever started to rub off on me. I’m glad you got to fulfill half of your deen and I pray Allah in his infinite wisdom, grant you comfort and peace for that.

This is where I feel the worst. This is where I wish I had done better. This was the time we drifted apart for reasons I’m not sure of. We only talked a few times after you got married and that was over a year ago. I so wanted to come to your wedding even when you were like nothing was really happening and I should just save the money I would’ve used to come, add some more, and get you a wedding gift. I wasn’t happy at the time, cause I really didn’t care whether anything was happening or not, I just wanted to see my girl on her happy day and i hadn’t realized that you must’ve been looking out for me, seeing as the road to Minna wasn’t all that good at the time. At some point, I even thought you were playing with me about the whole marriage affair cause although you always talked about it, it seemed out of the blue for me.

I had already planned my coming around the time I would be going to my sister’s place in minna. I remember when I visited you the first time there, the sun wanted to finish my flesh. People who live in minna, I don’t know how you do it but if I lived there, I’m sure my skin would peel, can’t see it any other way. I remember saying you made a terrible host, that I was expecting a buffet and all. So I was looking forward to that time of your life but I didn’t even get to witness it. We were supposed to meet again 🥹 but now I can only pray we meet in heaven.

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun

I’m glad you come to mind. I am glad the number of times are an awful lot. I’m glad that you come to mind during those times because I am able to pray for you. The 20th of November is not a day I’ll be forgetting in a hurry. You would’ve been 25 years old on the 1st of January 2024. Your time here is nothing compared to the life in store for you, filled with sweetness and eternal joy In Shaa Allah.