A Little Brave
…i hope this courage is not short lived.
Today I feel a little brave. I’m not sure what it is that makes me feel this way. Not to say that I usually am the opposite but choosing to share these words with you today, and judging by how I have been feeling lately, I would say it took a bit of bravery.
After all this time of feeling reclusive, this comes as a breath of fresh air. Oh how I have been a mess—I mean, aren’t I always? The standstill that seemed to be my life. It was like, nothing was happening. You know what my salvation was? No, you guessed wrong. It was k-drama. I am sorry, not sorry 😄
The way I have been binge watching these dramas, one would think I am getting paid for them. Not me watching 16 episodes of Destined To Be With You in 4 days. I don’t even know if 4 days is a lot or not, I just know it is so unlike me. However, it was quite enjoyable. I’m thinking of doing reviews of books I read and movies I watch and just channeling my writing in another dimension—writing more stories, poetry, articles etc. Yes I would be creating an Instagram account for that and y’all reading my newsletter may be few but I’m telling you first. Y’all been with me for real for real 🤭. I’m going to do that because like I stated in the beginning, I am feeling brave.
I have a feeling I am not going to ruin it. You know me and consistency fight on a daily basis. I am not sure we can ever stop fighting but guess who is not going to the ground? It’s me 😭. Please say amen 😂
I really don’t want to go back to being uninterested in the things that give me joy, that give me this originality that I do want to project to the world. I don’t want to run away from that. I do hope that those struggling with keeping up with themselves and their interests get out of that situation and smash it, like really smash it hard so there’s no room for something like that to disrupt their passion ever again.
What do you mean you don’t think you can do it? What do you mean you no longer derive joy in creating a beautiful journey of life as you know it? What do you mean you have stopped? What do you mean life happened? What do you mean I should forget about it? What do you mean the ship has already sailed? What do you mean you weren’t able to cross that bridge? What do you mean…?
I hope you break out of that self sabotage and spring back into your bubbling self who believes in whatever they’re doing and do it well.
As I myself, am sorting things out, I understand how many factors can be at play as to why one would feel differently about themselves. The passage of time seems to be the only measure we consider when we are looking to achieve certain things and when that time frame seems to come and go and we feel nothing is done, a lot of light is dimmed so, I understand. It is why every now and then, as I struggle myself, I see more reason why I should not let the curtains fall before I’ve had the chance to prove myself.
While hoping this courage is not short lived, I am trying to run the extra mile. Because dare I say, this thing called life that we are doing, is hard, like really really hard. And to think no one actually warned us. I personally feel we were fed a certain narrative of how our lives would be like when we are all grown up and we just went with it, no questions asked. I mean we all agree we miss being kids right? Oblivious, happy, without a care in the world because our needs were, to some extent, taken care of. But here we are. I for one, don’t know what to call myself.
To be honest, I don’t think I know a lot of things and I don’t know if I should feel shame admitting it but I don’t. Many times I feel like everything I know is subject to skepticism, which means I almost never know the credibility of anything the way that I should, which further translates to knowing too much…of nothing.
You get me? No?
Okay.
I wish life did not seem like one big hard-to-decipher kind of thing. I wish it wasn’t a zillion layered pieces one has to peel away with one experience after another, after another.
Anyway, one thing I know now is, I feel a little brave and I hope you feel that too. If you weren’t before, I hope you are after reading this. I hope you take this as a cue to write that story, post that picture, send that application, tell that person you love them, do what you can and let your words and actions speak for you. And don’t forget to relax, enjoy your solitude if you must, it is okay to take a break (sometimes).