A Bit of an Open Book
because there’s always going to be someone who you’re dearest to, who would want to know you are okay.
You know it’s not that deep, but why does someone knowing you, even a little, feel wrong? Anything more than, ‘I’m fine’ as a response to ‘how are you?’ feels like over sharing. You can’t remember how many times you have had to sit through awkward silence and just let the wind or whatever else is willing to steer the conversation, to take over. You do not mind silence, awkward or not. Staying quiet is something you did well. And it made you…unpredictable. Something you like to think you enjoyed because where’s the fun in one being able to know you like that?
Wait, why are you like that?
Your fear is that one day, all you are bottling up would burst open, spilling over and into spaces you avoided and you wouldn’t be able to gather them up and pretend like nothing happened. Your fear is that you will one day, decide to tell someone you are not fine, to tell them why your eyes look puffy, why you’ve been feeling like the world has nothing to offer you and they would tell you things except the words that would actually make you feel better.
It is okay. It is all going to be okay.
Well you were face to face with your fear when you tried it once, showing someone a peek into your life. You had a friend that made you feel comfortable in a place where there were eyes constantly sizing you up for reasons best known to them. Somehow, it felt they were threatened by you but there’s no way that was the case because why would they be? Do they not see how you walk, shaking in your shoes like something was out to get you? Your weird little self? Anyway, you let a certain cat out of a certain bag and you thought it was safe with your friend but what did she do? she put the cat up against you, its claws scratching you in the face. Simply put, during an argument, she said something really hurtful, which was from the ‘secret’ you had told her. Regret flooded your soul that instant and oh how you don’t do well with regrets.
But you did it again because the idiom, “once bitten, twice shy” has got nothing on you. You’re not sensible like that sometimes. Or maybe you were naive and you thought certain people could be trusted. Still, you’re not sensible like that sometimes. The idea of love? That someone will come into your life and you become a different person doing things you wouldn’t normally do? Yes yes, that happened to you. And in as much as it proved quite difficult, you leaned on this person and that meant that the parts of you that you usually kept hidden, made their way through. Even though, some days you were an open book and other days it’s like who actually were you? And when it didn’t work out eventually, you had no regrets because you were learning more about yourself and about people and experience they say, is the best teacher.
You are realizing that it isn’t about who you let into your heart anyways, it’s about you choosing whether or not to. Whether to share your good and ugly days, to show your vulnerability, to act like you’re strong when you’re broken down. Because there’s always going to be someone who you’re dearest to, who would always want to know
Are you okay?
So even though it’s a bit of a personality trait because of certain circumstances, you are learning to express yourself better now. And you might have this one person who is always looking for ways to understand you deeply like no one ever tried to do—that coconut head, encouraging you to let out your feelings, to release the energy you put into holding them back and just be…open. Because if you don’t tell them, who are you gonna tell? You know that there’s no one who knows you like them and you’re willing to make sure they don’t have to doubt your feelings or love for them even on days you find yourself crawling into your shell.
You’re willing to change for it’s worth it. Lately you’ve not been hiding so much so you won’t be getting any award but guess who has started to feel carefree with the ones who know she’s not just…quiet?
You.